only money can save me.

when the bloody fuck can i get my own place and move out?

HELP.

about the cleverest thing I've seen.

I'm sure that I will always be
A lonely number like root three

The three is all that's good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign

I wish instead I were a nine
For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know I'll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark!
What is this I see,
Another square root of a three
As quietly co-waltzing by

Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands
Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

- Dave Feinberg

See why I've always found guys who are good at math sexy?

because what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I read that people have a tendency to break up when the friends around them are. If it's not happening to you, it probably looks hilarious right? I think, if you're breaking up because your friends are, it's downright stupid. Because, love plays a very important role in our lives. No material comforts can replace it.

I am going to be honest because this is my own blog. I think...I kind of miss the familiarity of being in a relationship. I've even gotten used to the dysfunctionality of it, all the disappointments. Even though, in true dysfunctional style, I don't exactly share a lot of thoughts with him, sometimes I'd still be on the verge of updating him.

Somewhere down the road, I know I'll be thanking myself. But right now, it's emptiness I'm battling with. Much as I know he's unsuitable, he's become a familiar part of my life. And even the people I've gotten to know because of him, I feel a certain sense of duty towards them. In fact, deep down, they're probably one of the reasons why I've held on.

I've learned a lot. Like self-preservation, cautiousness, and definitely, not diving head-first, full-body in, because getting involved is tons easier than breaking free.

yay?

I've just realized that for the first time in a long time, I can dream about my perfect love story again.

this damn thing.

you have a way of coming easily to me
and when you take, you take the very best of me
so i start a fight cause i need to feel something
and you do what you want cause i'm not what you wanted

you put up walls and paint them all a shade of grey
and i stood there loving you and wished them all away
and you come away with a great little story
of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

you never did give a damn thing honey but i cried, cried for you
and i know you wouldn't have told nobody if i died, died for you

oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
every smile you fake is so condescending
counting all the scars you made
and now that i'm sitting here thinking it through
i've never been anywhere cold as you

- cold as you taylor swift

i am a stoic.

Somebody tell me everyone makes bad decisions in their lives because I find it hard to convince myself.

Tell me I have my whole great life to look forward to because I'm not feeling that.

Tell me I haven't made a mess of my life.

On a sweeter note, I started my internship at The Alchemy Partnership Monday this week, a blessing for several reasons. Most importantly, it has helped quell some of my fears about graduating jobless, so my friends and basically nearly everyone I meet can be spared the torment of hearing me paint exceedingly bleak pictures of our future. I think I actually caused several of them panic. Sorry! Issues like that are practically fodder for my pessimism to chew and roll and expand on. Only consider Dean's complaint that talking to me can drive him to insanity because I 'scold everything from the food to the government' (that's at breakfast, I'm capable of finding all sorts of other things to gripe about). Okay, not that this internship will guarantee me a job in future but it's a good start. It has put my faith back in the workforce system. Sort of. And then there's still all that self-actualization stuff to contend with but that's another gripe for another day.

Also obviously, it's helping me take my mind off things although I have next to nothing to do! It’s mostly the new environment. No memories whatsoever; nothing to prompt my whole wave of nostalgia. But really I am so free I want to run myself into the walls. I'm so free I would gladly volunteer to paint the walls (but cleaning anything would be pushing it a bit too far cos it'll get me dirty). I feel almost bad that I'm surfing the internet and reading magazines (arguably for research purposes. Oh god I just love this line! The excuses for frivolity!) while all my colleagues are so harassed with work. Almost, because it wasn't for want of asking. I swear Petra is getting traumatized by my constant hunger for things to do because each time I turn to her expectantly, she hastily proclaims the feedback isn't back yet. Well, I did write one ad. And it was exhilarating. I could be a copywriter forever. For now.

Oh and happily, I haven't bawled, haven't felt physically ill, haven't had intense convulsions of emotions, haven't exactly lost my appetite, or looked physically appalling. Hell, I haven't even got wasted! Because of the breakup, that is. (I do have a nagging feeling that I probably haven't internalized it yet, that's why. That's odd because I took weeks to consider and come to terms with it before settling it.) But I'm really proud of myself about the wasted part; I'm growing up! Or he probably helped too. All the times he came for me when I was smashed and nearly on the floor until he finally lost it and caused me to wake up my idea. And when everything blows over, I'd rather fancy the idea of him as a friend.

the happy ever after.

and though i move my world to be with him
still the gap between us is too wide
looking back i could have played it differently
learned about the man before i fell
(i was just a little careless, maybe)
but i was ever so much younger then
now at least i know i know him well

-Chess the musical

i will be glad.

Haha

"School will quit you next year."

said Evan to me.

my namesake.

well sometimes i go out by myself
and i look across the water
and i think of all the things
what you're doing
and in my head i paint a picture

cos since i've come on home
well my body's been a mess
and i've miss your ginger hair
and the way you liked to dress
won't you come on over
stop making a fool out of me
why won't you come on over
valerie

did you have to go to jail?
put your house on up for sale
did you get a good lawyer?
i hope you didn't catch a tan
hope you find the right man who'll fix it for ya
and are you shopping anywhere?
changed the color of your hair
are you busy?
did you have to pay the fine
you were dodging all the time
are you still dizzy?

cos since i've come on home
well my body's been a mess
and i've miss your ginger hair
and the way you liked to dress
won't you come on over
stop making a fool out of me
why won't you come on over
valerie.

other people's post graduation plans.

People are getting married. Gosh.